of Why You Suck

September 24, 2011

https://ofreh.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/katie-couric-on-distracted-driving.mp3^^Katie Couric on distracted driving^^

So.
Simply because I’m a better driver than you, and I am, may not mean I’m a better person than you. Credit reporting agencies would have us believe that their scores determine exactly that.
Perhaps we can come to an understanding.
I AM a better driver than you. Actually, it’s not even close. While I am a master, you…are a lemming.
Besides having ridden countless miles, in every conceivable condition, at the helm of two wheels and at the mercy your absent minded weekly pilgrimage to the grocery store, I also drove for a living and put more miles behind me in a week than you did in a year. Over one million credible miles in a decade.
So what? Big deal, Dr. Salk. What’s your point?
Is this…
With my bone fides plain and vetted, I have a proposal.
Why, instead of prospective employers and landlords referring to credit reports, don’t they ask for driving records?
You see, I believe there is very little that can’t be determined of ones character but by how they conduct themselves on the road. Not only that, but certain employers may detract from certain driving habits an asset where others might see a liability. A brokerage firm, for instance, may appreciate a person willing to take risks with other peoples lives but a school principle may be looking for someone a little more reserved and conscientious.
A driving record has already been adjudicated whereas credit reports are manipulated by a myriad of agencies.
Barring your little Brother or Sister stealing your license to get into a club or using your name when they get pulled over, there are few other instances where an identity thief would steal it and use for anything but…fucking up your credit. A solid ass kicking and a relatively quick trip to the DMV (compared to the headache of clearing an erroneous credit report) will repair what ever short term damage a sibling might have done.
Best of all…relationships.
Fuck Google, the next potential love that crosses my path, I’m getting a DMV printout and if I see any tailgating, DUI’s, Minimum speed, Handicap or carpool violations…adios. On the other hand…show me a couple of exhibitions of speed, reckless, or seatbelt and my heart will be hers.
Do this…
Your next weekly jaunt across town, go the long way. Get on the freeway and look.
You will notice (depending on the day and the stretch) huge gaps of no traffic and then, out of nowhere, a parade of vehicles, right up on each others ass, tooling down the road.
The person in the front is the one you want to date. Those following, you want working for you. Watch for the leader to exit and the resulting confusion of those behind. They slow down, unsure of what speed to maintain, having had someone set the pace for them. They change lanes, looking for another stream to attach to. Speed up and slow down until someone else passes them and they can again follow along. You might even notice (take the lead and test this) that if the leader wanders over the braille lines and back, those behind will likely do the same. In step. Lemmings.
There are a few obvious conclusions we can make from how some drive.
One might assume that the car, usually a Man, that passes everyone else in a construction merge, racing to the front, ahead of the hundreds of other motorists that feel it their civic duty and with an incumbent sense of fairness, to wait their turn…is a dick.
Chances are, he’s unpleasant, impatient, self absorbed and is very good at his work.
We can figure that the car that always signals, allows others to merge, relies on cruise control and is obsessive about obeying school zone limits…is very aware of others, kindly and dogged, but laid back. Also prolly very good at what they do, generally.
Let’s face it, I’m generalizing here. I’m gonna go all in.
Women drivers suck. Period.
It’s a fact, get over it.
You might, if you bothered trying, be able to convince me otherwise when I no longer see a review mirror turned at an angle, in motion, to apply makeup.
Till then…
Women simply don’t take driving seriously. For them driving is a tool, much like any other appliance. It’s supposed to just work. It’s supposed to work regardless how they pilot. Somehow, they were instructed that it’s up to the rest to watch out for them, NOT the other way around.
Chicks have just two speeds.: On the phone at 90 mph or white knuckled at a crawl.
You don’t like that?? Trust me, meee neither.
You might like this less…
Race is a factor. Say it ain’t so. If you do, you lie.
Hands down, the most dangerous public motorist, the biggest roadway hazard, is an Asian Woman, driving a mini-van, in San Francisco, with a KQED sticker on the back.
If renting from me, answering my help needed ad…keep your credit report and just show me your DMV printout. In fact, just for good measure, bring your registration cuz if you’re a middle aged white guy and own a Corvette…look elsewhere cuz I got your number.

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