of Failings

January 28, 2012

So, here’s the rub…
I’m just not that exceptional.
I don’t think that I am exempt from the myriad of complaint that dissolve marriages, the increasing, absurd number of personal failures.
I don’t believe, save the very few, that those approaching whatever manner of union they’ve mutually agreed, planned and bargained for, dreamt of and often precariously indenture themselves financially to…do so with the premonition that they will fail miserably, that their failure will touch the lives of many others, and most noticeably, of those that are tied to, dependent on, success. The very legacy of that failed, regrettable, miserable mistake…the Children.
“My Children are the only good thing that resulted from it, I wouldn’t change a thing!”…Yea?…how incredibly, if predictably, fulfilled you are…and them?, how are they faring? How would they prefer it?
I can’t imagine that my own march to an altar would be any less filled with wonder, at hope for a future with the one I am destitute without. Or, would it’s demise, it’s inevitable crashing around my head, be any less vociferous.
I have no romantic illusions of the process, quite the opposite.
It seems to me that it has been the unions without the burden of passion, of romance or ideology, that have stood the test of time. Our trees were once seeded with Clan or Familial concordance.
That ain’t me.
This is me. Preferring a life of single obscurity than that of a marital reckoning.
I prefer to cling to my childish mirage, the illusion of the Woman of my heart, the ethereal victual of my soul, my reason to exist.
I would insist. To express those very sacred vows, I’d have no less…only to see it collapse. To be a party to such great personal tragedy and failure, to have a partner of that caliber and worth, ultimately despise me, and I, her?…miss me with that.
Of course I have my own thoughts on why modern matrimony is such an increasing societal blemish but in the end, I’m just not any better, any less susceptible to what ails us.
Just not that exceptional.

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